The British in Africa
In the greatest days of the British Empire, a new commanding officer is sent to a jungle outpost in Africa to relieve the retiring colonel.
After welcoming his replacement and showing the traditional courtesies (cucumber sandwiches washed down by gin and tonic), the retiring colonel says: ''You must meet my right-hand man, Captain Dithers. His talent is simply boundless.''
Dithers is summoned and the new CO is soon stunned to be introduced to a toothless, hairless, scabbed and pock-marked specimen of humanity - no more than 90 centimetres tall - with wildly crossed eyes and ears that droop to his shoulders.
''Dithers, old man,'' the old colonel says, ''tell your new CO about yourself.''
''Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines. I've represented Great Britain in equestrian events and won a silver medal in the middleweight division of the Olympics. I have researched the history of …''
''Yes, yes, yes, never mind all that Dithers,'' the colonel interrupts impatiently. ''The CO can find all that in your file. Tell him about the day you told the witch doctor to get stuffed.''
Sensitive New Age Aussie:
Three Aussies working on a high-rise building project - Steve falls off and is killed instantly.
As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, “Someone should go and tell his wife.”
Bluey says, “OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.”
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Fosters Beer.
Bruce says, “Where did you get that, Bluey?” “Steve's wife gave it to me,” Bluey replies.
“That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you that beer?”
“Well not exactly,” Bluey says. “When she answered the door, I said to her, “You must be Steve's widow.” She said, “No, I'm not a widow.” and I said, “I'll bet you a case of Fosters you are.”
“What is the fastest thing?”
The Irishman said, “A thought. It pops into your head, there's no Forewarning that it's on the way; it's just there. A thought is the fastest thing.”
The Pom said, “Hmmm, let me see..... a blink!,” said the Englishman. “It comes and goes and you don't know it ever happened. A blink is the fastest."
Then the Yank contemplated his reply, “Well, out on my Pa's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there is a light switch. When you flip that switch, way across the paddock the light at the barn comes on in an instant. Turning on a light is the fastest thing I can think of. It's hard to beat the speed of light.”
Now the Aussie . . . after hearing the three previous answers says, it's obvious to me the fastest thing is diarrhoea. You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so well and made a run for the bathroom. But, before I could think, blink, or turn on the light, I shit my pants.”
Short but dangerous joke
The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"
Yup . . . another Priest joke
A Catholic boy confesses, "Bless me Father, I have sinned, I masturbated while thinking about my sister."
"That's a disgrace," said the priest, "especially when you have two gorgeous younger brothers."
American Joke
Bob works hard at the office but spends two nights each week bowling,
and plays golf every Saturday.
His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes
him to a local strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Bob! How ya doin?"
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh no," says Bob. "He's in my bowling league."
When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings
over a Budweiser.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she
know that you drink Budweiser?"
"I recognise her, she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have a Bud
at the end of the 1st nine, honey."
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob,
starts to rub herself all over him and says, "Hi Bobby. Want your usual
table dance, big boy?"
Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab.
Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.
Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him
for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.
She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book.
The cabby turns around and says,
"Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time."
The funeral will be on Friday.
Bartender Joke
A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured
alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. She
seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers.
As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.
"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with
both hands.
"Actually, no," he replied.
"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running
her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?'
"Yes. I need you to give him a message," she continued, running her
forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of
her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.
"Tell him," she whispered, "There's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room."
Vampire Bat
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night, face all covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelt the blood and began hassling him about where
he got it. He told them to piss off and let him get some sleep, but they
persisted until he finally gave in. "OK, follow me" , he said and flew out
of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a huge forest of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him tongues hanging out for blood. "Do you see that large oak tree over there?" he asked. "YES, YES, YES!!!!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy. "Good!" said the first bat,
"Because I bloody didn't"
Here's a John Howard joke
A man, on his way home from work, comes to a dead halt in traffic. He thinks
to himself, "Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual. Nothing's even
moving."
He notices a police officer walking back and forth between the
lines of cars, so he rolls down his window and asks, "Officer what's the
hold up?"
The officer replies, "John Howard is just so depressed about his
personal life - the thought of moving with Janette back to Lane Cove and the
state of disruption amongst his natives that he stopped his motorcade in the
middle of the freeway and he's threatening to douse himself in petrol and
set himself on fire. He says his family hates him and he doesn't have the
money to pay for the new house renovations.
We're taking up a collection for him." "Oh really? How much have you got so far?" "About three hundred litres, but a lot of people are still siphoning."
LSD
A BOY ASKS HIS GRANNY, “HAVE YOU SEEN MY PILLS, THEY
WERE LABELLED LSD?” GRANNY REPLIES, “Fuck THE PILLS,
HAVE YOU SEEN THE DRAGONS IN THE KITCHEN?!”
Coco pops
A 7 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. You know
what?", says the 7 year old, "I think it's about time we start swearing."
The 4 year old nods his head in approval. "When we go downstairs for
breakfast I'm gonna swear first, then you swear after me, ok?" "Ok" the 4
year old agrees with enthusiasm. The mother walks into the kitchen and asks
the 7 year old what he wants for breakfast. "Oh, shit mum, I guess I'll have
some Coco Pops" WHACK!! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out. She looked at the 4
year old and asked with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast,
young man?! "I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fuckin' arse
it won't be Coco Pops."
John Howard joke
A man checks into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely. He thought of one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you’re calling for a cab overseas.
He popped into a phone booth near the hotel and found an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, and long graceful legs all the way up to her….. you know the kind.
So he is back in the room and figures, what the hell, give her a call.
“Hello?” the woman says. Man, she sounded sexy. “Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I’d like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I’m in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot and I want it now. I’m talking kinky the whole night long. You name it, we’ll do it. Bring implements, toys, everything you’ve got in your bag of tricks. We’ll go hot and heavy all night; Tie me up, wear a strap on, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything you want baby. Now, how does that sound?” She says, “That sounds fantastic, but for an outside line you need to press 9.”
Risky Joke
Before you read this I have to apologise for it but you have to remember that we tell priest jokes without harm. Also this joke 'tales a minute' to get.
I was sitting at a red light yesterday afternoon, minding my own business, and patiently waiting for the signal to turn green. A carload of bearded, young, loud middle eastern men, shouting Anti-Australian slogans, with a half-burned Australian Flag duct-taped on the trunk of their car, and a “Remember 9-11" slogan spray-painted on the side, was stopped next to me. Suddenly, they called out something in their God's name and took off before the light had changed. Seemingly from out of nowhere, a B-Double came speeding through the intersection and ran directly over their car, crushing it completely and killing everyone in it. For several minutes, I sat in my car thinking to myself, "Man... that could have been me!" So, today, bright and early, I went out and bought a really big truck.
Clairvoyant joke
The Clairvoyant says to the woman, “Your husband will die a terrible and agonizing death.” The woman stares into the Mystic’s eyes and says calmly with purpose, “Now, answer me this… will I be acquitted?”
High School Teacher
A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.
"Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow.
I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or
a death in your immediate family - but that's it, no other excuses.
A smart-arse in the back of the room raises his hand and asks, "What would
you say if I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When
silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes
her head, and sweetly says,
"Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."
Four on a train joke
Sitting together on a train, travelling through the Swiss Alps, were an
English guy, an Irishman, a little old Greek lady, and a sexy young blonde with large breasts.
The Train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the
sound of a loud slap.
When the train emerges from the tunnel, the English guy has a bright
red, hand-print on his cheek. No one speaks.
The old lady thinks: The English guy must have groped the blonde in
the dark, and she slapped his cheek.
The blonde thinks: That English guy must have tried to grope me in the
dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she slapped his cheek.
The English guy thinks: That Paddy (Irish) must have groped the blonde
in the dark - she tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.
And the Irish guy thinks: I can't wait for another tunnel, just so I can
smack that English bastard again.....
Priest n alcohol
Father Murphy is concerned about the amount of drinking in the local parish. Deciding to do something about it he goes into village pub and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?" The man said, "I do Father." The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall." Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?" "Certainly, Father," was the man's reply. "Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest. Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?" O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father." The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?" O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes, but I thought you was gettin’ a group together to go right now."
Childs persspective
JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: “The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt.”
Concerned, the child asked: “What happened to the flea?”
HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
Derrick, (age 8) You might have a guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
Only in America:
A married couple are driving home when they see a wounded skunk by the side of the road. The wife gets out and brings it back to the car.
"It's shivering and must be cold, what should I do?" The husband said, "Put it between your legs to keep it warm." The wife says, "What about the smell?"
Husband says, "Hold its f*king nose."
Only in America Joke: (2)
Defence Attorney: Will you please state your age?
Little Old Lady: I am 86 years old.
Defence Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened
the night of April 1st?
Little Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front
porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping
up on the Porch and sat down beside me.
Defence Attorney: Did you know him?
Little Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly.
Defence Attorney: What happened after he sat down?
Little Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh.
Defence Attorney: Did you stop him?
Little Old Lady: No, I didn't stop him.
Defence Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abner died
some 30 years ago.
Defence Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Lady: He began to rub my breasts.
Defence Attorney: Did you stop him then?
Little Old Lady: No, I did not stop him.
Defence Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I
haven't felt that good in years!
Defence Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling really "spicy" that I just
laid down and told him "Take me, young man. Take me!"
Defence Attorney: Did he take you?
Little Old Lady: Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!" And that's
when I shot him, the little bastard!
Salesman - This is old but I always laugh when I hear it
After the young man's first day on the job as a salesman the boss came down. "How many customers bought something from you today?"
The kid says, "One."
The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a
day. Just how much was the sale for?"
The kid says, "$101,237.65"
The boss says, "$101,237.65? What in the world did you sell him?"
The kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a
medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a
new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said
down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat so we went down
to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Mercury.
Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him
down to the automotive department and sold him a 4x4 Land Cruiser."
The boss said, "Let me get this right. A guy came in here to buy a fish hook
and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?"
The kid said, "No the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife and I
said, "Dude, your weekend's shot - you should go fishing!""
Women:
A woman was leaving a convenience store with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind her, a short distance back, were about 45 women walking single file.
The woman couldn't stand hold back her curiosity. She respectful approached the woman walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss", I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"
"My husband's."
"What happened to him?"
The woman replied, "! My dog attacked and killed him."
She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"
The woman answered, "My mother-in-law.
She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her."
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two women. "Can I borrow your dog?"
"Get in line."
Two guys over a beer joke:
An Englishman and a Scotsman were sitting around talking one afternoon over a warm beer.
After a while the Scotsman says to the Englishman, "If I was to sneak over to your house and shag your wife while you were off fishing, and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us related?"
"The Englishman crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head, and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question. Finally, he says, "Well, I don't know about being related, but it would make us even."
Racial discrimination
An Englishman, a Welshman and Pakistani are waiting to see their new born babies when the hospital administrator says that there has been a mix up.
The three men decide to take turns in trying to identify which one is theirs. The Englishman goes first, as it is his right. He comes back with what is obviously the Pakistani baby.
The Pakistani says that it is obviously his baby and the Englishman says, "I'm sorry mate, but one of those in there is Welsh and I'm not taking any chances."
Police joke
A man’s body was found in the harbour wearing an Sydney Swans jumper, pink panties, fishnet stockings and a dildo up his arse. Police removed the jumper to avoid any embarrassment to his family.
Viagra (It takes a minute)
A man was caught mixing viagra in his date’s drink. He said, “She was a very attractive female, but you can’t tell these days so I wanted to make sure.”